Turn

I've decided I am going to be vulnerable; not because I want to but because I believe God is working all things together for His good. Although I still expierence the pain of the end of our relationship (break-up, but I hate that word), I desperately want to see how God will use this. I have also realized the importance of seeing that scripture in it's entirely- God is working all things together for those who love Him- yes that includes me- but it also includes my neighbor, the widow at my church, and the homeless man holding onto hope. So maybe this pain is for something good in someone else's life, not mine. Which is why I will be vulnerable- because keeping everything inside does no one good and is not a kingdom mindset- so this is for someone- I hope my words, my story, something you stumble upon will cause God to be glorified.

By now, you might be able to tell that my faith is top priority; I grew up that way. My whole life has been themed with a pursuit of God and a desire to know Him more and for others to know Him through me. That being said, relationships were no different- especially romantic ones. From a very young age I began to pray from the Song of Solomon that God would guard my heart and not awaken love until it was ready and countless other prayers of my own to stay pure and whole for my husband, prayers for him and the man he would be- so many requests for what I believed would be the perfect relationship created by God for His glory.

In High School there was one boy who I liked, and who also liked me. We spend countless hours serving together and enjoying each others company. I was simply waiting for him to ask me to date- then came college and I kept waiting. Our friendship only seemed to be growing and we were inseparable. Unexpectedly, he called me to say I needed to stop waiting. Everything changed in that moment. I was deeply hurt and confused. We were so emotionally attached the coming months were difficult for me to handle things apart from him. I was also hurt when he started dating a girl shortly after and I continually fought with thoughts of worthlessness and shame because I wasn't good enough for him and she was.

Fast forward 2 years.

It is the summer before my senior year of college when a handsome man begins attending my church. Just like every other single girl out there, I was of course interested and wanted to get to know him. Over the next few months, we spent quality time together that confirmed the kind of quality guy he was. I wanted to know him more. He didn't pursue me and I was discouraged, constantly praying for God to remove the desires from my heart- to just forget about him and leave it as friends. But my prayers never died and my heart continued to grow fonder. I tried to end communication with him but it didn't last long.

After graduation, I moved home and our time together increased. We spent so many wonderful times together and I knew he was beginning to pursue me. With a lot of patience he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. And just like that I entered into my first relationship. I was cautious because of my past, I didn't want to become to emotionally attached or find my identity in him. But I felt God was saying YES. For the first time in my life- I saw a man who could be my husband. And boy, did that give me JOY. I felt this was the person God had been saving me for; this was the man on the receiving end of all my prayers- it made sense! It wasn't what I had expected but I knew God had it under control so with faith and trust I agreed to the relationship. That was the beginning of our journey...

One that only lasted 15 weeks. It wasn't all rainbows and butterfly's, but to me it was beautiful- this was going to be MY love story. And just like marriage- I knew there would be challenges and things to work through but I was more than willing to give it my all, to care deeply, freely, and unselfishly. And I did. To my own fault. He unexpectedly broke up with me.

I was left with no reason, no peace, and a sea of emotions: dissappointment, hurt, frustration, my old demons of worthlessness and shame. Oh I was angry. For two weeks we didn't talk and all I felt was pain. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to see anyone or talk. It was miserable.

And to be honest it still is. Over 6 weeks have past and I still hurt. Not a day has gone by where he isn't the first and the last person I think about in a day. I care about him far too deeply and I don't know how to handle it. I cannot engage in a friendship with him because I know my own hearts tendencies to love. And I cannot seem to care less. I struggle with anxiety every time I see him and fight to hold myself together. There has never been a season in my life so filled with tears as this. My caution and prayers seem worthless- my years of waiting- gone. I don't know what any of it was for.

I am broken. I am hurt. I am angry. I am a Christian. I am not perfect. And please don't ask me how I am, because answering in standard Minnesota Nice fashion GOOD makes me feel like a hypocrite. I am learning that God is not always clear, although I may question and call out to Him on my knees, he may choose not to answer. My situation and the overwhelming grief I am experiencing does not change who He is. Good is still good. You may wonder how I can declare that, despite what I am feeling- but I have come to realize these emotions are worldly things, these attacks on my joy and identity are the enemy trying to pull me away from my first love, from the one who will love me no matter my shortcomings- Jesus Christ. It is a decision to declare his goodness, to choose his truth, to believe in his promises. I decided years ago to place my faith in a good God, whose love for us so consumed him he sent his son in the form of a vulnerable infant to meet us where we are at. So I will wait here for God to meet me where I am. For His love to again consume my soul and bring joy and life back into my heart. God is an unchanging, constant God and His love remains.

Declare His truths. In the pain. Believe His promises. In the waiting. Sing of His Goodness. Through the trials.

Dear Lord, I pray for those who are experiencing overwhelming hurt and challenging situations right now. Meet them in their vulnerable place, speak into the darkness, breathe peace into their heart, comfort them and bring joy. Thank you for your unchanging love and the blessings you have bestowed upon us. Let us not forget the sacrifice you made for us to know you and the opportunity we have to know you personally. You are Good and I am thankful. Amen.

Winter

I have come to the conclusion

I am unwilling to stop praying, 

Incapable of not caring, 

And beyond forgetting.
Being eager to love is part of who I am.
I will not deny who God has created me to be.

Although your gentle and patient heart left scars on mine,

 Requiring more than time alone to heal.  

Despite all that rages in my soul, 

I am determined to find peace in the storm that blows within and declare: 

Thou has taught me to say whatever my lot it is well- it is well with my soul.

Graduation

About 3 years ago I made the decision on the college I would attend.

2 years ago I left North Central University for reasons I barely knew, trusting that God had more in store for me. My time at NCU was short but it was a season of preparation and foundation building. A season of growing and learning about my heavenly Father. I was able to focus on my faith and relationship with the Lord. It was a season that equipped me for all I would face in the coming years. 

I started at Minnesota State University Mankato that fall. It was a school I had never imagined myself at but the Lord's plan prevailed in my life. I learned about loving people in all circumstances and always seeking the Lord. I faced many challenges; I was surrounded by non-believers, critics, drinkers, but really just people who were lost and empty. Daily I made the decision to live for Christ and seek Him first. 

Through my obedience to leave NCU, a place full of Godly people I loved, God blessed me in huge measures. The way he wants to bless all His children who follow him. The same way He wants to bless you. 

Last week I earned my bachelors in Exercise Science at the age of 20 with the highest academic honors. When I decided to stop living by the world's standards, the chains fell at my feet and all I didn't think possible happened. 

In 1 month I will begin working what may very likely be my dream job. Serving people and showing them the character of Christ through my profession. I will have the opportunity to teach people to love the beautiful bodies God gave us and take care of them. 

Because of this job opportunity I will be able to stay in my precious hometown and continuing growing in the community that grew me into who I am today. I'm so excited for all that is in store for the future. I am learning that surrendering all my fears, anxiety, worries, and most importantly my heart to the Lord is the his desire for me and through full surrender God is able to do greater things than I ever could. 

God continues to move in my life and I'm learning to trust Him with all I have. May His plan continue to prevail in my life and in yours as well.

Jeremiah 29:11. 

Be blessed.

Beautiful Restoration

I have experienced two friendships that have been wrought with trials. Each person played a significant role in my life and knew me as well as I knew myself. I would be so bold to say they may have known me better than I did because I had allowed my identity to become so connected to theirs, I was no longer my own. When I allowed that to happen it left no room for God to speak truth into who I was or who He was trying to shape me to be. While both of my friends were strong Christians and frequently spoke truth, I had become blind to the plank in my own eye. My identity was not where it needed to be. I thought my heart was close to God while I was really failing to know my own heart at all. 

In time, those relationships crumbled until each one broke. There was nothing left but pieces and memories I wanted back. My heart hurt to the point of physical pain and I was lost in myself. Twice I went through losing my best friend with no understanding as to why. It took me two times to realize the mistakes I had been making and the pain I was causing. Emotionally I was broken and spiritually I was lost. These relationships could not be fixed in my own strength.

But I am sure of the faithfulness of the Lord and His promise to work all things together for the good of those who love him. The seasons of trial were refining fires. I experienced pain, grief, regret, anger, lonliness, and bitterness. Those seasons allowed for all the ungodly elements of our friendship to be removed. My pride was diminished and my love for the Lord increased. It required allowing God to heal, to speak, and to move in each if our lives. I finally heard the words He had been speaking to me, I heard the Father calling my name. 

After the season of healing began a season of restoration. Restoration in my life and the lives of my friends, but also in our relationships with each other. We learned to forgive and the patience required to do that. We learned to build our foundation on the Lord and to root our identity in Him. We learned to see each other how God sees us. 

Today I can see the process. I value each person so highly now. Our journey together has been hard but I truly believe the best is yet to come. By allowing God to move in our lives and see Him working in our past and in our present gives me hope for the future. They are both a huge blessing to me and I know I am better because of the fire we walked through. Last time we did it alone, next time we will do it together.