I've decided I am going to be vulnerable; not because I want to but because I believe God is working all things together for His good. Although I still expierence the pain of the end of our relationship (break-up, but I hate that word), I desperately want to see how God will use this. I have also realized the importance of seeing that scripture in it's entirely- God is working all things together for those who love Him- yes that includes me- but it also includes my neighbor, the widow at my church, and the homeless man holding onto hope. So maybe this pain is for something good in someone else's life, not mine. Which is why I will be vulnerable- because keeping everything inside does no one good and is not a kingdom mindset- so this is for someone- I hope my words, my story, something you stumble upon will cause God to be glorified.
By now, you might be able to tell that my faith is top priority; I grew up that way. My whole life has been themed with a pursuit of God and a desire to know Him more and for others to know Him through me. That being said, relationships were no different- especially romantic ones. From a very young age I began to pray from the Song of Solomon that God would guard my heart and not awaken love until it was ready and countless other prayers of my own to stay pure and whole for my husband, prayers for him and the man he would be- so many requests for what I believed would be the perfect relationship created by God for His glory.
In High School there was one boy who I liked, and who also liked me. We spend countless hours serving together and enjoying each others company. I was simply waiting for him to ask me to date- then came college and I kept waiting. Our friendship only seemed to be growing and we were inseparable. Unexpectedly, he called me to say I needed to stop waiting. Everything changed in that moment. I was deeply hurt and confused. We were so emotionally attached the coming months were difficult for me to handle things apart from him. I was also hurt when he started dating a girl shortly after and I continually fought with thoughts of worthlessness and shame because I wasn't good enough for him and she was.
Fast forward 2 years.
It is the summer before my senior year of college when a handsome man begins attending my church. Just like every other single girl out there, I was of course interested and wanted to get to know him. Over the next few months, we spent quality time together that confirmed the kind of quality guy he was. I wanted to know him more. He didn't pursue me and I was discouraged, constantly praying for God to remove the desires from my heart- to just forget about him and leave it as friends. But my prayers never died and my heart continued to grow fonder. I tried to end communication with him but it didn't last long.
After graduation, I moved home and our time together increased. We spent so many wonderful times together and I knew he was beginning to pursue me. With a lot of patience he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. And just like that I entered into my first relationship. I was cautious because of my past, I didn't want to become to emotionally attached or find my identity in him. But I felt God was saying YES. For the first time in my life- I saw a man who could be my husband. And boy, did that give me JOY. I felt this was the person God had been saving me for; this was the man on the receiving end of all my prayers- it made sense! It wasn't what I had expected but I knew God had it under control so with faith and trust I agreed to the relationship. That was the beginning of our journey...
One that only lasted 15 weeks. It wasn't all rainbows and butterfly's, but to me it was beautiful- this was going to be MY love story. And just like marriage- I knew there would be challenges and things to work through but I was more than willing to give it my all, to care deeply, freely, and unselfishly. And I did. To my own fault. He unexpectedly broke up with me.
I was left with no reason, no peace, and a sea of emotions: dissappointment, hurt, frustration, my old demons of worthlessness and shame. Oh I was angry. For two weeks we didn't talk and all I felt was pain. I didn't want to eat, I couldn't sleep, I didn't want to see anyone or talk. It was miserable.
And to be honest it still is. Over 6 weeks have past and I still hurt. Not a day has gone by where he isn't the first and the last person I think about in a day. I care about him far too deeply and I don't know how to handle it. I cannot engage in a friendship with him because I know my own hearts tendencies to love. And I cannot seem to care less. I struggle with anxiety every time I see him and fight to hold myself together. There has never been a season in my life so filled with tears as this. My caution and prayers seem worthless- my years of waiting- gone. I don't know what any of it was for.
I am broken. I am hurt. I am angry. I am a Christian. I am not perfect. And please don't ask me how I am, because answering in standard Minnesota Nice fashion GOOD makes me feel like a hypocrite. I am learning that God is not always clear, although I may question and call out to Him on my knees, he may choose not to answer. My situation and the overwhelming grief I am experiencing does not change who He is. Good is still good. You may wonder how I can declare that, despite what I am feeling- but I have come to realize these emotions are worldly things, these attacks on my joy and identity are the enemy trying to pull me away from my first love, from the one who will love me no matter my shortcomings- Jesus Christ. It is a decision to declare his goodness, to choose his truth, to believe in his promises. I decided years ago to place my faith in a good God, whose love for us so consumed him he sent his son in the form of a vulnerable infant to meet us where we are at. So I will wait here for God to meet me where I am. For His love to again consume my soul and bring joy and life back into my heart. God is an unchanging, constant God and His love remains.
Declare His truths. In the pain. Believe His promises. In the waiting. Sing of His Goodness. Through the trials.
Dear Lord, I pray for those who are experiencing overwhelming hurt and challenging situations right now. Meet them in their vulnerable place, speak into the darkness, breathe peace into their heart, comfort them and bring joy. Thank you for your unchanging love and the blessings you have bestowed upon us. Let us not forget the sacrifice you made for us to know you and the opportunity we have to know you personally. You are Good and I am thankful. Amen.
