Proverbs

I just need to get some stuff out and when its written, well typed, i can understand my thoughts more. And this very neglected blog page needs some spaghetti of thinking splattered on it.

Sometimes I want to know what would be in my head if no one else influenced my thoughts. Sometimes the things they say get to me. And then they get stuck. And now i'm starting to believe the little words of influence they had, have claimed my mind and left me worse off.

What frustrates me more is that their intentions when dropping little parasites into my mind isn't to eat off the bad, of their own intentions that I know not of. It kills me when even my believing Christian friends are the ones who add to my confusion and chaos of thoughts.

The times I just feel like a complete mess, I want them to be guiding me on his path. I feel as if i'm searching fervently for God's little words of direction and encouragement, and then i'm left feeling helpless.

Not once has my God abandoned me. But he has stretched me in my times of confusion. I just don't want to mess up. I want to be walking in his ways and not my own because i'm afraid of what could happen if I tried to take control of my own life. The pain and disaster I would have, puts fear in me that is uncontainable without the Lord's power.

I feel so many life-changing decisions being pressed onto me right now. Realization that i'm a senior and next year I will be leaving the only place i've known for the last seventeen years. I won't spend everyday in a community that has blessed me more than I could know. That I have to leave people that I never want to loose.

I don't want to let time and distance grow us apart. Because of them, I am who I am. I am sure of God and his presence in my life. I know that he loves me, but its so hard to penetrate my heart with the knowledge that that is all I need. I don't feel that i'm living on that. I wish I was.

Sometimes I just wish certain people were not just friends but family so that I would have to see them a minimum of twice a year indefinitely.

I'm scared. And I need to trust the Lord. I'm scared of the future and what it holds because it is so unknown to me. I'm scared of what i'm leaving. I don't want to leave and be gone. I want to be remembered, and missed not forgotten or replaced. I want to know that when I leave, I will have made a difference for the glory and furtherment of God's glorious kingdom.

I want to know that I hold a place in the hearts of my family, friends, coworkers, peers, and others. I want my intentions and thoughts to be pure. "My child, listen to me and treasure my instructions. Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them as you would for lost money or hidden treasure. Then you will understand what it means to fear the lord, and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom! From his mouth come knowledge and understanding. He grants a treasure of good sense to the godly. He is their shield, protecting those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of justice and protects those who are faithful to him. " Proverbs 2:1-8